Transformational Change Agent

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Wild & Precious

"Allowing another to treat us by default is our own fault."
~ Truth
Blue Butterfly Transparent

"Your one wild and precious life”* is sacred. Protect it with everything you’ve got.

If one does not foster the circumstances that encourage honor and respect from others, then one is encouraging circumstances that will allow for diminishment, disparagement, disregard of oneself.

Old habits die hard. Allowing mistreatment to become a habit makes it more and more difficult to break that habitual behavior in another. It also becomes harder to break our own habit of expecting less.

Human beings are pliant. We can get used to anything. But that doesn’t mean we should.

Human beings are pliant. We can get used to anything. But that doesn’t mean we should. We must train others to treat us in the manner in which we wish to be treated. Otherwise they will become accustomed to treating us as they desire to do so. Which is usually by default: their set way of being, of doing, of acting in the world. It’s their unconscious manner. Their autonomic behavior toward others, which is a reflection of their attitude about themselves.

We can elevate our own status by establishing the type of treatment we deserve from others. The first way to do this is to treat ourselves well. We can’t honestly and fully honor another unless we know what it feels like to honor ourselves, to pamper ourselves, to cater to our own needs, to feel pampered, to feel taken care of, to feel dignified and respected.

In setting our own example, we are establishing the blueprint for how we wish to be treated. How we insist on being treated. For anything less than we deserve should be rejected. Anything that meets our standard should be accepted with gratitude, with grace.

Trading oneself for another — one’s standards for another’s — is a foolhardy endeavor. Suffering at the expense of others — letting them transgress your boundaries—is unhealthy. It should make you angry. Furious. And that ire is a sign your thresholds have been crossed.

If we don’t set our own standard, then the standard will be set by another. Usually the standard by which they treat themselves. And far too many treat themselves poorly. They don’t feel they deserve much so they don’t expect much and they don’t receive much.

So set your own standard. Raise the bar. Be the example for how others should be treating you AND for how others deserve to be treated themselves. No matter how high or low we set our expectations, they are usually met.

Your one life is “wild and precious.” Don’t allow yourself to be treated by another’s standards. When you do, it’s not their fault, it’s their default, which is just your own fault.


©TW Hawk 2017. All Rights Reserved.

*excerpt from "The Summer Day" by Mary Oliver

The Power of "No"

No just means "Not Now." 

It has the power to direct us. 

And for us to be directed. 

And to direct ourselves by saying no to that which isn't our cup of tea or doesn't serve us in the moment. 

Does "NO" help you get on target?

Does "NO" help you get on target?

When we say no ourselves it often means exactly that: "Not now. Not until I know more. Not until I see efficacy or proof or popularity or see it in practice or in context."

No. Until someone else wants it. Or until I hear it's good from someone I trust. Or a stranger. Good word of mouth. Or with a doctor's recommendation. Or when I've tried the alternative. 

Or no because I wasn't listening. Wasn't fully paying attention. Wasn't in the moment. Was in my head. Was rushing to judgement. It was no before you got to the end. Finished your thought. Expressed the idea or story or pitch or project fully. No no no.

Until later, when someone else got it or bought it or tried it out and liked it and then "No wasn't what I meant. Isn't what I mean. You took it the wrong way."

No, I don't like that. Because it's new. Because I haven't tried it. Because I know won't like it. Like broccoli. Or Brussel sprouts when I was kid. Of course, now they're my favorite sautéed and seasoned just right. Now they are a "yes." But used to be a firm no. 

What's a "firm no" vs a "soft no" anyway? How about a "tentative yes" vs a "fuck yeah!"  What about "maybe?"

There are gradations of no, no? A firm no. A strong no. An absolute no. A firm rejection. 

And then there is a "soft pass." A soft no. Meaning, come back later. Try again. With different elements. Or a new presentation. Or with different timing. 

Or I'm "indifferent." Because of my mood. Because "I'm in the know" which often translates to "I'm in the no." Because that how I exercise my power. That's all they'll let me do: Say "no." So I say it liberally. Because I'm not allowed to utter "yes."

Lesson: If we disempower "yes" by only giving others the ability to exercise their power by saying "no," then guess what they're going to spend their time doing? Guess what we'll spend our days hearing? Nonono. And you can take that to the bank. Actually, you can't. Because no's don't fill your account; only yeses do. 

Know-it-alls no the path: "No way no how no-no's: They'll be "no it alls."  No all the time. Because it's the only way they can feel any sense of control, any sense of authority, any sense of empowerment. They'll exercise they're creativity by inventing all kinds of reasons, excuses and ways to say "no." No because I said so. No because that's not what they want. Not what they like. Because they don't trust me and I don't trust myself. (See: Trust)  No just because. 

No is so commonplace that we in casual conversation when we agree with someone we'll often respond "No, yeah."  Listen for it. It's a continual refrain: (someone nodding): "No, no, yeah."

We are chock full of "no." We hear no so often we don't even recognize it ourselves when we utter it. No, no, yeah. What an oxymoron! We say the opposite of what we mean and then contradict ourselves with the very next word. "No, no, yeah."

"You no?"

"I no, right?"

"Do you no?"

Let's empower the "yes" in our lives by empowering others' "yeses." If we empower others to get to yes, then yes is what we'll hear a lot more often along the path. 

Yes. Thank you. More please. 

Remember, the thing to know about "no" is that no means no. No for now. Not until later. Maybe never. But never say never. 

No means no until you realize it points the path to yes.

So now you know a little more about no. You've acquired some "no-ledge." Which is particularly powerful when it helps you get to "yes."

And we all need more "yes" in our lives, no?


©TW Hawk 2017. All Rights Reserved.

©2018 • ©2019 TW Hawk • All Rights Reserved.